Waves of Defeat

The feeling of defeat is something we all feel at one time or another in life so what happens when that feeling consumes you to your very soul?

Do you wipe it away like sweat that drenches the body? Do you breath it in as if it's smoke that fills your lungs? For me....all of the above..... it seeps from my pores like a poison releasing with each breath as if to say "I'll still be here tomorrow". The depths of sorrow when we feel as if there are no more answers to our questions.

To watch my child be told this is not what you have from a medical perspective (we think, that could change in the next 10 years-insert eye roll here) but, we don't know either way so go to the next doctor and see what happens.

The look of devastation on my daughter's beautiful face can never be removed from my mind.

The feeling of defeat is something we are quite familiar with in this life of ours but, we never get used to this version of disappointment.

The only thing we know to do is swim in said defeat (for a short period of time) until we gain our composure and repeat the cycle without expectations. Letting it sink in, then moving on is a form of adaptation that is necessary in our chronic lives.

Asking your 14 year old to make an adult decision of continuing to fight or feel the defeat "just living with it" should never be something that is asked, yet it is, much to my families dismay.

Unfortunately this thin line we tow feels neverending but, does end, everyday. Remembering our power and outlets will continue to help us take it one day at a time (a motto that will go with me to the grave).

Feeling the defeat of watching this with no power to heal her or save her from these waves is something I have to do in life(more frequently than I would even care to) but, learning how to take a hold of defeat to stand the next day with a message of "I will try again tomorrow" is a dance of waves I will forever teach myself and my children.

So sweat defeat from your pores, breath it into your lungs but, NEVER keep it for too long. It is not a hand to hold, it is an emotion to feel understand and release into the waves of life.

Until next time, remember to be kind to not only others but, most importantly yourself.